Mind-less-ness and Mind-full-ness
Mindfulness
is the new buzzword. Workshops on the topic are springing up everywhere. I get training announcements for using mindfulness in my practice and my daily life,
and I’ve been thinking about it.
The word mind-full-ness reminds me of richness and completeness. Its opposite is mind-less-ness;
an emptiness or deficiency. I believe the reason why mindfulness is so “popular”
right now is we are responding to some disconnect or emptiness.
Last week I was strolling in Manhattan on
a nice evening watching the hurried people. I found myself speeding up in the
crowds despite having no schedule. I had to make a conscious effort to slow down. The hurry was
distracting and I wasn’t being mindful of my experience.
Contributing to
mindlessness is the fact we have packed our lives with
so many empty things and activities. Notwithstanding any number of “people
to see and things to do" my clients say they do not feel fulfilled. They feel
empty.
I believe mindless activity and hurry
are adopted to fill the void left by not having a connection to ourselves or others, but they can’t fill it!
Mindfulness
is the true cure for emptiness. Mindfulness allows you to create a real relationship with yourself, with others, and with the world around
you. When you're in the moment, and you are paying attention, that is when you
can make an authentic connection and fill the emptiness.
True Valentine’s Gift
Looking for the perfect gift for someone you care about? Try giving them a truly unique part of yourself, the truth. So
often we withhold what we are thinking or feeling from others for fear of hurting them.
We have been taught “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything,” and we think it
is kindness. However, sharing your truth with tact is the ultimate gift you can
give to someone.
Consider giving the truth
to someone who asks you for feedback instead of telling them what you think they want to hear.
For example, the friend who asks you if they are irritating, and you say no, despite their tendency to irritate you
in some way. When someone asks for your opinion about themselves and you don’t
give them an honest answer, you steal the chance they have to make a change. That
friend may irritate others in the same way, but has no idea why others avoid him or her.
Worse yet is when you think something and react to someone, and don’t tell them why you are reacting; such as
avoiding the irritating friend. Your truth is given so they can learn how others
may perceive and respond to them.
The truth gift depends upon the fact that real love and caring mean speaking your mind in a respectful manner. Respect involves honoring the person you are sharing with and honoring your truth. My supervisor, Lisa, has a rule she starts
her clients with when learning to tell the truth; “At the very least, be neutral.”
To be neutral with the irritating friend answer, “everyone can be irritating sometimes.” When you feel comfortable enough, you can say, “I care for your friendship, and I find it most difficult
when you….” Lisa calls this “leading with a gift.” I call it wrapping the whole gift up as a respectful package, your truth. What better thing to share for Valentine’s Day?
Check out Lisa's blog at lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straighttalk/
Resolving to Resolve
People use the turning of the year as a time to make changes in their
lives; however, less than a quarter of resolutions come to fruition. Here is
a list of ten ways you can help your New Year’s resolution succeed.
1. Examine your resolution. Ask
yourself who you are doing this for; the answer should be you. Make sure you
feel energized and excited by the resolution, not frustrated by the thought of it. If
you feel negative about it before you even start, you will never finish. If you
have failed multiple times on this goal, how can you change it so it motivates you?
2. Write your goal down. All
good planners know writing something down helps it happen. As you write put some
thought into it, look at what exactly you want to achieve, and make it specific.
3. Make it a commitment not just a maybe.
Put your energy into making it happen. Having a clearly stated resolution
helps. For example: “I will have
X amount of money in the bank by the end of the year” is more motivating than “I want to save money.”
4. Tell others and check in with them.
Find positive supportive people who will ask you how your steps are coming. Plan
to meet with them regularly, even via email. Talk with others who are strongly
working on their resolutions; help each other.
5. Make a step by step plan including timetables. Once you have a clear goal stated, you can break it into steps, a perfect way to track your progress over
the year. In the money example, you divide the total amount into fouths and check
your account every three months to see if you have made your quarterly goal.
6. Remind yourself daily of your goal.
If you are computer savvy, have your computer prompt you each time you sign-on.
Tape it to your mirror so you see it each day. Keep it on the top of your
mind.
7. Reward yourself for completing each step. If you wait a whole year to see progress, it can get frustrating.
It is important to recognize each success so you energize yourself to keep moving forward.
8. Utilize resources. Look
into the supports related to your goal; for example, a live or online group, books, or someone you know may have an idea. Keep an open mind about anything that will move you forward.
9. Visualize steps and success.
The mind doesn’t know the difference between what you imagine and reality.
Take a few minutes each day to actually visualize yourself happily achieving your goal.
10. Don’t give up. At the beginning of the year energy is high,
and it is easy to be motivated. Later, you may find you have forgotten for a
week to do what you planned- don’t give up. You have the whole year to
fulfill the goal, each day is a new day.
Many of us have heard these suggestions before, maybe this year we can resolve to put them into practice!
Coping with Holiday
Stress
The holidays are one of the most stressful times of the
year, and every year millions of people suffer from the holiday blues. These
are feelings of sadness, tiredness, lack of motivation, decrease in energy and irritability.
It is not unusual for people to “crash” after the holidays in reaction to the events and stressors involved.
Positive events can be stressful because of the expectations,
planning, doing, and juggling of a variety of events. Other stresses come from
relatives, finances, emotional demands to have the perfect time, and the physical demands of battling the crowds, making it
to all the parties and over indulging in food and drink.
Below are some ways to help alleviate holiday stress and
avoid the holiday blues. To remember them, think of “Real PLEASURES”.
*The core concept is “Real”. The actual time for the holiday is a day or a week,
be realistic about what can happen. Look at the number of parties and the amount
of money you are spending and ask yourself how realistic you are being. Don’t
expect to have a “perfect” holiday; they only happen in the movies. Don’t
attempt to resolve long-standing family issues. Be kind to yourself and those
around you.
* P is for positive
people. Spend time with positive people.
Limit the time you spend with those who you find draining.
* L is about listing
priorities. Look at past holidays and make a list of the things you most enjoyed
and remember. Center your holiday on traditions you find important. Eliminate things you did not enjoy or which were not important to you.
Make an early list of things you need to do and set aside time to do them. Lastly, prepare to let some things remain undone.
* E is enlist
the aide of others. Rather than doing everything, make preparations a group goal. Have everyone bring a dish for dinner. Ask
family members address envelopes, shop for groceries, or decorate the house. Hire
help; bring in cleaners or caterers for larger events.
*A is about all
emotions. The holidays often bring up grief, and it is perfectly natural to feel
sadness even years after a death. Take time to mourn through a meaningful ritual
such as a trip to a gravesite or telling stories of a loved one.
*S is for simplifying. Remember one meaningful gift can say more than three expensive ones. Have fewer tastier dishes at your dinner rather than a massive feast.
Learn to say “no” gently but firmly if you are asked to complicate things.
*U is use humor. Laugh. Find joy in the holidays and share
it with others. If something goes wrong, realize how it could be funny; imagine
it on video. Avoid becoming upset and find the light side.
*RE is remember
to enjoy. Take breaks from the holiday
preparations and do playful things. Sigmund Freud said the ability to play is
a sign of mental wellness.
*The final S is self-care. Along with realism self care holds
us together. Make sure you get enough sleep, eat nutritiously, take time to exercise
to keep your energy up, and refrain from overindulging in food and drink.
Through it all, remember this is a season of joy and thankfulness. Enjoy the pleasures of the holidays.
(Please cite these articles appropriately if you use them
or parts elsewhere)
